discoherent's Diaryland
Diary
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disregard this distasteful disaster of distorted dishonesty
don't deny me this, don't disassemble these dreams, you always do, so quickly once confessed they're shredded to bits, laying there, scattered upon this floor, don't ignore me, not this time, i'm screaming with what little voice i have for you to come to me to pick me up and carry me away hair frizzed and socks only sit in the park and you'll whisper and you'll tuck me under your arm in that place where my head fits like a key and you'll kiss my soaked cheeks right below all that's covered by bangs cut to hide the evidence of tears you'll sit there and i'll curl up i will trust you again one day it'll hit me like a tree to a kitchen and i will realize that you've changed that you really are here to stay by my side through it all a constant crutch a forever friend the love of my life don't worry i know i'm just rambling on and on nonsensical, hopeless, wishes, dreams, past, present, memories... you decide which is my fairytale and which is an exerpt from my life envy me baby deny me baby kiss me baby miss me baby hold me baby this broken record of words i use over and over far beyond any acceptable extent i know it you're tired oh so tired of hearing me tune me out rate me out mold me out push me out sold me out i promise i'll be better one day i'll wake up and my brain will be fixed these chemicals won't hold me i won't be a druggie for you will have done it save me now rape me now make me now hate me now take me now i'll be happy one day and i'll come back to you and we will live our life as we've planned so many times laying there in bubbles candlit with cuddles color schemes and houses will be what it is we'll worry about cast me later bail me later haul me later made me later mute me later play me later wake me up from this catatonic state when we get there after you've so kindly covered me and i'm no longer utterly exposed freezing from their stares broken and bare love me forever do it in the name of love do it for what you believe i know you mean it i know it's true and honest we all know you're an upstanding man lay here beside me you're doing it so well desipher these fumbled words snatched up from tattered and worn notebooks long since buried away dust collectors stored beneath shelves, laundry, boxes lord knows what else i'm baring all yet again about to dive, forward the lights which guide or supposedly do have long since burnt out should it be any wonder as to why i didn't sooner please don't get excited it's past 8 in the morn the sun has risen, set and risen again since the last time i've layed these lazy crying eyes to rest thusly this could all very well be just tired discoherent ramblings you haven't written me off not once not through all these years hospitals screams tears dreams lies bribes deceit sleep anger creeps you've stayed here holding my hand pretty much through it all faithfully albeit not too faithful and there i go a simple reminder and these tears begin to reappear i need to do this get over that it was so long ago yet, it's been the only constant scar physical, mental, and emotional tearing from every aspect of this young angst filled teenage life... from a simple skirt to marriage it's fucked me over break me down oh please this is becoming all too hard decide this now it only dictates the rest of your life every decision i will make within this upcoming week dictates the outcome of the entirety of my future life and my only response is shutting it out eyes closed back turned sleep it away let them decide but they can't any longer for here i am younger, more naive, and needy than ever before yet dubbed, somehow with this title of adulthood heavens girl you're losing it all you're not a child step up to the plate take life by the horns make your own way you're on your own... but no, fuck that this cannot be the truth i need someone now more than ever to tell me maybe guide me at the very least spin me around and point me in the general direction of where i should go
job school pychiatrist therapist counsellor medication house city province friend boyfriend fiancee? HUSBAND?? decide it now darling do it quick time's running out you moron hurry ... ... someone save me. relieve me from this responsibilty that has been bestowed upon my unworthy self... and here i've done it rambled on far past anyone's limit of patience for a friend karma will come and save me soon i'll go on blindly and then it will all come together easily and quickly... fake false you've been forwarned get off you're ass get out that door step up to the plate make it happen for yourself you lazy whore oh please break this up it's far past the time i should have layed down pillow upon my ear arms around my love how i long to shut this this, chatter tapping upon my skull knawing away grinding it apart shut these lids lashes crisscrossing hushed breaths to heavy breathing deep dreaming cuddled close comfortably these eyes do grow tired of this glowing little screen emoticon laughing and blinking seem to be driving me to elaborate upon more of these worthless, childish feelings and i know i've reached the bottom far from where all eyes gave up reading i know it's grown increasingly redundant and boring lame but i need to just keep going perhaps i should just ... oh i don't know normally this time of day is when my head begins to clear releasing me from all the trivial tribulations that held me captivated throughout the trivial day yet it's abundantly apparent that it hasn't that i'm still stuck fixated on numerous events all lending justice to my oh so preteen good charlotte ways of beliefs that the world doesn't understand me that i'm a misundertood kid sorry i can't be perfect look where this has led to quoting songs which i'd forgotten back with all such distasteful reflections of my more than just jeuvenile years which i may hate with everything i am today yet still long for while i lay here thinking of where this life has led me to fourth year at warped and i hated it more than ever before not that i disliked it but it was by far the worst year yet for i stand here and tell you believing it myself that i love the whole scene excluding the people in it yet haven't enjoyed a single exposure to it since, dare i say that embarrassing concert of mine way back when i must really be a dishonest person i don't think i lie but whenever i sit back in time somehow alotted for reflection i find that all i am this person i am is nothing in the slightest of what i actually enjoy i can't remember the last time i enjoyed who i was i hate the whole label - idea but, here completely label free, from changing so damn much i feel completely lost perhaps it's not me just the circumstance or the timing or perhaps i should shut up relinquish this embarrassing display of emotion of thought and force myself to rest which i should be more focused on undoubtedly considering this ailment i have not the one that i've been rambling of the one in my throat i've already added this 2 or 3 times now yet continue for some lame excuse-free reason to return and add and elaborate upon things that still much to my liking and comfort stay all too annonymous to those unworthy of being close to me so let's try this again say goodbye and goodnight say i'm done and so long ... farewell?
9:04 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 26, 2006
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