discoherent's Diaryland Diary

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disregard this distasteful disaster of distorted dishonesty

don't deny me this,
don't disassemble these dreams,
you always do,
so quickly once confessed
they're shredded to bits,
laying there,
scattered upon this floor,

don't ignore me,
not this time,
i'm screaming with what little voice i have
for you to come to me
to pick me up
and carry me away
hair frizzed
and socks only

sit in the park
and you'll whisper
and you'll tuck me under your arm
in that place where my head fits like a key
and you'll kiss my soaked cheeks
right below all that's covered by bangs
cut to hide the evidence of tears
you'll sit there
and i'll curl up

i will trust you again
one day it'll hit me like a tree to a kitchen
and i will realize that you've changed
that you really are here to stay

by my side
through it all
a constant crutch
a forever friend
the love of my life

don't worry
i know i'm just rambling
on and on
nonsensical, hopeless, wishes, dreams, past, present, memories...

you decide which is my fairytale
and which is an exerpt from my life

envy me baby
deny me baby
kiss me baby
miss me baby
hold me baby

this broken record
of words i use over
and over
far beyond any acceptable extent
i know it
you're tired
oh so tired of hearing me

tune me out
rate me out
mold me out
push me out
sold me out

i promise i'll be better
one day i'll wake up
and my brain will be fixed
these chemicals won't hold me
i won't be a druggie
for you will have done it

save me now
rape me now
make me now
hate me now
take me now

i'll be happy one day
and i'll come back to you
and we will live our life as we've planned
so many times
laying there in bubbles
candlit with cuddles
color schemes
and houses will be
what it is we'll worry about

cast me later
bail me later
haul me later
made me later
mute me later
play me later

wake me up from this catatonic state
when we get there
after you've so kindly covered me
and i'm no longer utterly exposed
freezing from their stares
broken and bare

love me forever

do it in the name of love
do it for what you believe
i know you mean it
i know it's true
and honest
we all know you're an
upstanding man

lay here beside me
you're doing it
so well
desipher these fumbled words
snatched up
from tattered and worn notebooks
long since buried away
dust collectors
stored beneath shelves,
laundry, boxes
lord knows what else

i'm baring all
yet again
about to dive, forward
the lights which guide
or supposedly do
have long since burnt out
should it be any wonder
as to why i didn't sooner

please don't get excited
it's past 8 in the morn
the sun has risen, set and risen again
since the last time i've layed these lazy
crying eyes to rest
thusly
this could all very well be
just tired
discoherent
ramblings

you haven't written me off
not once
not through all these years
hospitals
screams
tears
dreams
lies
bribes
deceit
sleep
anger
creeps

you've stayed here
holding my hand
pretty much
through it all
faithfully albeit not too faithful

and there i go
a simple reminder
and these tears begin to reappear
i need to do this
get over that
it was so long ago
yet, it's been the only constant
scar
physical, mental, and emotional
tearing from every aspect of this
young angst filled
teenage life...
from a simple skirt to marriage
it's fucked me over

break me down
oh please
this is becoming all too hard
decide this now
it only dictates the rest of your life
every decision i will make within
this upcoming week
dictates the outcome
of the entirety of my future life

and my only response
is shutting it out
eyes closed
back turned
sleep it away
let them decide

but they can't any longer
for here i am
younger, more naive, and needy
than ever before
yet dubbed, somehow
with this title
of adulthood

heavens girl
you're losing it all
you're not a child
step up to the plate
take life by the horns
make your own way

you're on your own...


but no,
fuck that
this cannot be the truth
i need someone now
more than ever
to tell me
maybe guide me
at the very least spin me around
and point me in the general direction
of where i should go

job
school
pychiatrist
therapist
counsellor
medication
house
city
province
friend
boyfriend
fiancee?
HUSBAND??

decide it now
darling do it quick
time's running out
you moron hurry
...

...
someone save me.
relieve me from this responsibilty
that has been bestowed
upon my unworthy self...

and here i've done it
rambled on
far past anyone's limit
of patience for a friend

karma
will come
and save me soon
i'll go on blindly
and then
it will all come together
easily
and
quickly...

fake
false
you've been forwarned

get off you're ass
get out that door
step up to the plate
make it happen for yourself
you lazy whore

oh please
break this up
it's far past the time i should have
layed down
pillow upon my ear
arms around my love

how i long to shut this
this, chatter
tapping upon my skull
knawing away
grinding it apart

shut these lids
lashes crisscrossing
hushed breaths
to heavy breathing
deep dreaming
cuddled close
comfortably

these eyes do grow tired
of this glowing little screen
emoticon laughing
and blinking
seem to be driving me
to elaborate
upon more of these
worthless, childish
feelings

and i know i've reached the bottom
far from where all eyes gave up reading
i know it's grown
increasingly
redundant
and boring
lame

but i need to just keep going
perhaps i should just
... oh i don't know
normally this time of day
is when my head begins to clear
releasing me
from all the trivial tribulations
that held me captivated
throughout the trivial day

yet
it's abundantly apparent
that it hasn't
that i'm still stuck
fixated on numerous events
all lending justice
to my oh so
preteen
good charlotte ways
of beliefs
that the world doesn't understand me
that i'm a misundertood kid
sorry i can't be perfect

look where this has led to
quoting songs
which i'd forgotten
back with all such
distasteful
reflections of my
more than just
jeuvenile
years

which i may hate with everything
i am today
yet still
long for
while i lay here
thinking of where this life
has led me to

fourth year at warped
and i hated it more than ever before
not that i disliked it
but it was by far the worst year yet

for i stand here
and tell you
believing it myself
that i love the whole scene
excluding the people in it
yet haven't enjoyed a single exposure
to it
since, dare i say
that embarrassing concert of mine
way back when

i must really be
a dishonest person
i don't think i lie
but whenever
i sit back
in time somehow alotted for
reflection
i find that all i am
this person i am
is nothing in the slightest
of what i actually enjoy

i can't remember the last time
i enjoyed who i was

i hate the whole
label - idea
but, here
completely label free,
from changing so damn much
i feel completely lost

perhaps it's not me
just the circumstance
or the timing

or perhaps i should shut up
relinquish this embarrassing
display of emotion
of thought
and force myself
to rest

which i should be more focused on
undoubtedly
considering this ailment i have
not the one that i've been rambling of
the one in my throat

i've already added this
2 or 3 times now
yet continue
for some lame
excuse-free
reason
to return
and add
and elaborate
upon things that still
much to my liking and comfort
stay all too annonymous
to those unworthy
of being close to me

so let's try this again
say goodbye
and goodnight
say i'm done
and so long
...

farewell?

9:04 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 26, 2006

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