discoherent's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to say... i want to write about how alone i am, about how no matter how many people say they're there for me, yet i still can't talk to any one of them... least of all the only person who ever really understood me in the slightest... i want to say how i hate that my parents fool everyone into thinking they're absolutely amazing, and devoted... yet when i get home my dad does everything in his power to ignore me, or when i do talk to him how he just tries perfusely to make me feel guilty... and my mom, how she is always "there" for me, until i actually turn to her and try to talk, and then she says how i'm wrong for feeling the way i feel, and how i shouldn't say those things... i want to say how i have no where i can go for me, even when i'm going nowhere, i can't have it unfollowed or unattached... i want to say how angry i am that my mother gave him2 my phone, to 'give' to me, when i clearly said a million times that i just need my space and i don't want it with me... i want to say how dissapointed i am, everytime my phone rings, and i race to read the display only to find that it's not for me... again. i want to say how absolutely disgusting i feel everytime i eat anything... and how i try to eat as little as possible to try and make myself feel better yet i can't even control that much, i still eat too damn much, and i just want to shoot myself for it... i want to say how annoyed i am that i don't even care enough to shower or bathe more than once or twice a week, and even then it's forcing myself to do so, even though i really don't want to. i want to say how much it confuses me that even when i go out, any guy that i think is cute, as soon as i talk to them, i lose all interest in ever doing anything with them... and any guy that i actually do 'like' i have to coerce them with promises of sex to even hang out with me... i want to bitch and complain and cry my eyes out... i want to be held close, i want to be told that i'm loved unconditionally and still be naive enough to believe that it truly is unconditional... i want to scream and kick, and run as fast and far as i can... i want to get away from here... i want to get these thoughts in my head to stop... i want to be happy again... but what's the point? it's still not going to change anything... at the end of the day, i still come home to lay in my bed -alone- and cry for hours -uncomforted- and think -about how i deserve every last thing that happens to me- so why do i continue trying to be a good citizen? i don't steal, or lie, or cheat, or anything... yet all i get from me is people stealing from me, lying to me, and cheating on me... do you know how much i could have gained if i didn't try to live a moral life? doesn't karma promise that you get what you deserve, that if you do something nice, something nice happens to you, or something bad, likewise? this is really... all... complete... SHIT... and when everyone says that i'm a good person, they must all be completely full of SHIT... 12:37 a.m. - Sunday, Jul. 30, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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