discoherent's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- packing past so, i've just finished packing up all of His things, they're in a box at the other end of my room... i finally stood my ground, i finally said 'goodbye', i know it's the best thing, but it's just so horrible, i've been crying all day, like in the middle of doing something i'll just break down and bawl my eyes out for a good while... i suppose it would be easier, if he understood why i was doing what i was doing... i mean, if he didn't blame the entire thing on me... i mean, sure i was the one who initially fucked up (keep in mind i just wanted to stop hurting all the fucking time) i gave him an ultimatum, that if we didn't get back together, that i just couldn't handle the whole, still fucking, and cuddling, and all that crap... which ultimately means that i can't see him for a while... of course he freaked out, but convinced me to wait until sunday night, and he'd come over and we'd work something out... of course he didn't show up... i was so worried, i figured that he wouldn't miss fixing 'us' for the world, i called and no one answered, i was up all night worried shitless that something horrible had happened to him... so when i got a hold of him this morning and found out he was just out with friends, i was so pissed... he claims that he called me (same excuse he used a million times when he was cheating on me, btw) i was bawling my eyes out, i mean, i have been a total wreck for a while now. so much more than anyone even cares to notice... or perhaps i'm just that good at hiding it... and he gets mad because i'm crying on the phone... he calls me names, which he knows i hate more than anything... anyways, i tell him point blank, that if i had really meant half as much to him as he claims i do, he would have made the effort to see me... like taken the bus or something... he goes on to tell me how i haven't tried to change at all, how i haven't tried to fix us at all, how i just gave up after doing nothing... i mean, OMG!! is he actually serious? well, i suppose that shouldn't really surprise me, i mean he only ever noticed all the things i did after i pointed them out... so i said my goodbye, i really thought i was going to die, or kill myself or something... i really didn't know what to do, i was hysterical, i was shaking and crying and i couldn't breathe, i mean really, i haven't been that upset in months, like he hasn't even ever seen me that bad, the last time would have probably been before i had been put on any of my medication... if ever... i was paralyzed, like i really can't remember a time where i was that discoherent... i somehow calmed down enough to dial my moms work, and that was the only thing i could think of doing... i really thought i was going to do something to myself if i didn't call her... (but of course, the fact that i actually did call her instead of cut myself, or whatever, isn't me trying, or any improvement) she finally began to calm me down and then he called my cell... he said sorry, and i really did appreciate it... and that just made it damn near impossible to tell him that i just can't do it anymore, i can't keep letting him make me feel worse than shit... and then apologize, me forgiving him, and then going through it again... (oh, and as if the whole shit with Him isn't enough, there was something wrong in the results from my pap smear... so yea) 8:26 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 17, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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